The art of effective listening
Do you hear what somebody says or do you actively and intently listen to what they are saying? There is a difference here. Effective listening is about turning what somebody tells you into an effective and meaningful message. This usually, but not always, means turning it into the action desired by the speaker. It is a skill that must be learned and worked on. Few of us have the skill naturally.
A common one is when we ask for directions. The speaker usually gladly gives several points and the aim is for us to understand and remember the whole message. However, often we can only take in 25-50% of the message and we end up having to ask somebody else further down the road after we have followed the first couple of steps.
What do we need to do to actively listen?
First of all you need to make sure that you are actively paying attention to what the speaker is saying. Make eye contact and ensure that your body language is appropriate so that the speaker knows that you are listening to them. Connection with people and listening to what they are saying is just as much about emotional connection as the words themselves. By giving off positive body language we encourage the speaker to feel comfortable in giving their message to us.
Have you ever spoken to somebody who doesn’t do this? How does it make you feel?
When you are listening make sure that you listen to the message in its entirety. It might be tempting to think as you ‘hear’ and cut in to the message half way through, but that wouldn’t be active and effective listening. Once the message has been said in its entirety then, and only then, should you respond. Time is one of the greatest gifts we can give and listening properly to somebody creates rapport, trust and respect in the long term.
Some suggestions for effective listening
1) Turn to face the speaker and maintain eye contact (but be relaxed at the same time - this will put the speaker at ease).
2) Make sure you are not distracted by anything else - that could be your computer, phone, book or the task you were doing before the speaker began giving their message.
3) Try not to be distracted by your own thoughts but learn to focus purely on what the speaker is saying for the time they are saying it. Meditation is a good way of practising this.
4) Don’t spend the time that the person is talking planning what you are going to say. Listen first, then think, then give your response.
5) Don’t interrupt. This gives the wrong impression and makes the speaker feel like that what they are saying isn’t respected. It suggests that you don’t really care or have time for them.
6) Unless the speaker has said ‘what do you think?’ or ‘what would you do?’ don’t try to offer a solution. If you do feel like you need to offer a solution ask first - ‘would you like to hear what I think?’ This keeps the respect in the other person’s shoes.
7) Don’t change the subject. Unless the first speaker changes first or says that something is irrelevant make sure you stick with the subject in hand. If you are confused about anything ask questions at the end of when the speaker has finished with their message.
8) If you are not already good at it learn to empathise with how the person is feeling. Emotional connection is vitally important when it comes to communication. Try and read their tone of voice, facial expressions and body language to understand how they are feeling. This is all part of active and effective listening. If you can empathise with the person you are more likely to be able to strike good rapport and listen effectively to their message.
9) It is a good idea to paraphrase what the person has said after they have said it to ensure you have understood the main message. Practise doing this over the next week with conversation you have with people. It will soon become normal and will help you hugely with learning how to actively and effectively listen.